change.

"Change is not merely neccesity to life - it is life."

That Alvin Toffler is a smart bloke. But.. I wish it wasn't true.

Change is a funny thing. You can't live with it, can't live without it. As soon as I begin to feel comfortable, and happy, and at peace, the cosmos just have to shake everything up.

To be able to trust someone is a big deal, especially for someone like me who finds it so hard to trust. This past year especially has been a rollercoaster. Constantly being thrown in to different situations and strange places. Having to befriend new people all the time. Learning to trust only to have them wrenched away from your grip is hard. And draining. And sad.

I'm in limbo. Auckland and its wonderful craziness is a distant memory and i'm back in the country. Hicktown. No Mans Land.

Square. Freaking. One.

Two years away from this place has certainly changed me, and for the good. But now i'm stuck. I've changed too much to really feel at home, at ease. And i've changed too much to be myself around my old friends. But I haven't changed enough to move on.

The few people who know the real me, love the real me and above all ACCEPT me for who I am are thousands of miles away, some I will see again, some I will not. And no matter how many stars I wish upon, I can't change that fact.

Change is supposed to be evidence of growth. But what if I don't want to grow? All I wanted was to stay in that little bubble of contentedness that the last two weeks of school brought me. Friends, laughter, and an understanding that it was all going to be sweet. That's what I wanted. Just for a little bit longer.

I can't wait to get back to Auckland. But I know, like everything else, it will all have changed. I keep on imagining this perfect little place and situation, but I know when I get there, everything will be different. New friends. New classes. New home. New flatmates. It will all be so very different, but so eerily familiar. I think that's the hardest thing to grasp.

You know, change may be inevitable, it may be essential to growth, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.