Love Field

Saying goodbye was much harder than I thought.

I know I haven't blogged for a while, but readjusting was a little harder than I had planned it to be. 17 months ago I decided I wanted to go to the States for a semester and 17 months later, the journey now over, all I do is wish I was back there.

The last couple of months have been a bit of a blur, my final weeks in the States went by far too quickly in a haze of travel, goodbyes and holidays I suddenly found myself in Dallas Love Field at the security gate, bawling my eyes out at the realization that 1) That this glorious little bubble that had been my life was about to pop and 2) That I had another 4-8 months of long distance ahead of me with my boyfriend. I had gone from being calm and collected to a complete wreck in the time it took me to check my bags in and walk to the security gate.

Ok yeah, I cried, lots of people cry at airports that's not completely out of the ordinary. What is a little out of the ordinary is when the guy working security leaves his station to give you some tissues and share his wisdom on love and relationships. He was a nice guy.

I had been so consumed by the act of leaving I didn't even think what it would be like to return home, I guess I thought it would be fine which is why I didn't think about it. People always talk about reverse culture shock, which i've never really been able to grasp - despite the fact I have done a fair amount of travel in my life. I can now say with absolute certainty, that I know what it is and that it sucks. The last 7 or 8 months feel like a dream, everything is the same at home, but different. My friends are still my friends, but they've moved on somewhat, shared experiences that I cannot possibly understand and moved on. Maybe they see this in me as well, i'm not sure, I try not to talk too much about Mizzou because I feel like that could get irritating, though I do get asked - things like "what was it like?", a fair question but how do you succinctly put that into words? It was many things - good and bad, there aren't enough adjectives to sufficiently describe my experience or how i'm feeling about it right now.

A little over a month later, i'm feeling a bit better about things. I began work in Auckland almost immediately after I came home and am so thankful for it, it gets me out of the house and acting like a normal person (I think if I didn't go to work I would probably be locking myself away in my room 24/7). I still have my days, but i'm sure they will lessen, especially with my next semester around the corner (3 more days boo) and the arrival of Drew in the country (3 more months yay).

As for my little corner in cyberspace, i'm definitely gonna try keep this chugging along quietly, but who knows - maybe uni will take over my life. I hope not.

I need more time!

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."

~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Stress is like that pervy uncle you have; he’s the person you feel kind of obliged to talk to at family reunions. You avoid him at all costs but if you are confronted by him you screw a smile on, nod politely and get the job done before getting the hell out of there.

And in the end, screwing the smile and getting on with it has its benefits. Come Christmas you’re reaping the rewards when Uncle Joe sends you a big fat cheque in his Christmas card.

At this point of the year, this is the attitude I’m trying to embrace.

In 3 weeks, I’m moving back home. Ten days after that I am hopping on a big silver bird and heading off to the University of Missouri to study Journalism.

While I am thrilled to be starting an adventure that even I’m surprised I pulled off, with the excitement comes a huge amount of stress.

At the moment I’m juggling my normal life: a life with my friends, time with the boyfriend, school and exams (crap!) and work commitments along with all the things that is brought about by student exchange. Meetings with heads of my department, student loan forms, international advisors to liaise with, consulate interviews to attend. Holiday visas, DS-109 forms, class choices, accommodation, SEVIS fees, RPL, flights, insurance, packing… you get the idea.

In a nutshell, right now I feel like not enough butter spread on too much bread. I’m giving a little to a lot of people when all I really want is to give a lot to the people who really care for me.

I’m hoping, after these next few weeks I’ll start reaping the rewards from what to-date has been 9 months of working and planning. And who knows, maybe at the end of it I’ll get that big fat cheque.

albert park

I just rediscovered these pictures. It was the day me and drew went to albert park and he let me play with his fancy camera. I thought he was just being nice because he knew I was interested in photography, but he later told me he was just using it as an excuse for us to hangout alone :)

It's one of my favourite places in Auckland, and in less than two days i'll be able to lay in the grass and dip my feet in the fountain again. I can't wait :)

home

summer.

cheating on the hairdresser

One of the most personal relationships a woman can have in her lifetime is with her hairdresser. For females, hair can be a sign of many things, femininity, sexuality, power, and temperament. For something that is so seemingly trivial, it has a huge impact on how others perceive us, and how we shape our own self-image. Because of this, a relationship with your hairdresser can become much more than a mere acquaintance. Not only do you trust them with your outer persona. You are putting your self-worth in their hands, because, as many of us know, a bad haircut can destroy your confidence.

I have had my hairdresser for nearly 15 years, since we moved to the sticks when I was 6. Jo has watched me grow up; she cuts my mother’s hair, my grandmother’s hair and occasionally my brother’s hair. She’s watched the ups and downs our family have experienced, she sees the intricacies of our daily living and most importantly, she knows what works and what doesn’t with my tangled nest of hair. I have been committed to her for nearly 15 years… but now, I’m starting to stray.

The cracks started to appear last year. University opened my eyes and emptied my bank account; I had neither the time nor the funds to go to see her. But all was forgiven. When I came back for the summer, I needed a change, I was getting restless, I was itching to explore. That’s when I very sneakily made my first appointment with Bonnie. I purposely picked a day Jo wouldn’t be in so I didn’t have to be confronted by those hurt, questioning eyes. And it worked; Bonnie was just the change I needed. I felt revitalised and energetic –but I was consumed with guilt. An internal conflict raged within me, stronger than any storm mighty Poseidon could conjure. I felt like I had betrayed a best friend.

Today I had another appointment with Bonnie. I thought I had covered my tracks, I thought Jo wouldn’t be there until later –but my appointment ran late and she arrived early.
I was caught red-handed with another hairdresser.
I desperately tried to make myself invisible; I averted my eyes, kept my head low, but she saw me and I felt terrible.

For many women making the transition between hairdressers, especially after an extended period of time, really does feel like cheating on a friend. But, like staling friendships, sticking with a hairdresser who can no longer represent the true you is a lost cause. The best thing you can do for every party involved is to be upfront from the start, your hairdresser and your tresses will be thankful in the long run.

dating across the seas.

Just a little thought I had....

Relationships are hard work. As much as we like to think of them as our own personal fairytales, there is often a lot sacrificed behind the scenes to make things work. Right now, my boyfriend is sacrificing a whole lot of sleep.
Yes, all relationships require varying levels of sacrifice, but when you add 7,880 miles, an 18 hour time difference and the earths largest oceanic divide... things become a whole different ball game.
Rather than trying to find spare time inbetween classes, i'm finding myself having to navigate international time zones. We used to be able to hang out, watch a movie, go and lie in the park -now we have skype dates. And I don't care what anyone says, as much as I thank the heavens for the creation of video chat, it can in no way ever replicate the real thing.
It doesn't sound like there's much going for long distance, but I can easily say we kick butt at communicating -whether we're goofing around or having a serious conversation about "us", we pretty much rock. I also now believe that old adage of absence making the heart grow fonder. There are so many times where I would swap anything to be with him for just 10 minutes. And I know when we are together again, i'm going to value every moment of it.
Long distance doesn't suit anyone, and it definately isn't something I could do forever. But it isn't entirely evil, for one i'm discovering a lot of things about myself as a person, but mainly -it's just making me realise how lucky I actually am :)

that time of the year.

So, it's christmas time.
A time for us to eat, drink and be merry. A time to spend with loved ones. A time to reflect on the year gone by.

Every christmas the media mourn the loss of traditional christian values.
The church states that the commercialisation of religious holidays by conglomerates such as coca cola has made what was traditionally a time for reverence and reflection into a time of excess and greed.

In western cultures, this may be technically true. The orignal meaning of christmas has been lost by many young people. But is this really a bad thing?
Everyday we talk about society moving forward. We talk about demolishing the racial and religous divides that have created so many problems for so many years. We talk about a harmonious world - one that is open, one in which people have freedom of speech and freedom of belief.
But how can we do this when we stubbornly cling to old traditions, that have ultimately played a large part in so many conflicts? Christmas is a part of christian history, and that's where it should stay, in the past. Yes, we should recognise it, yes we should learn from it. But in a society that is changing so rapidly, we should also have the ability to evolve.

merry christmas :)

that one time with the egg beater...

I’m sure my mother was perplexed when she walked in on the scene. My 18 year old brother, transfixed, with a look of terror on his face as he desperately tried to remove the egg beater from his mouth as I watched on with great satisfaction. Knowing all to well his foolish endeavour was down to my genius.

It all began with a bet, a dare, a challenge.
I was in the kitchen cooking. My brother walked in with a swagger. He knew he was older, wiser, stronger and could easily get his way. He nudged my 9 year old self aside, and fiddled with my baking utensils. As he stared intently at the electric egg beater a sudden moment of brilliance came over me, “I bet you couldn’t fit that in your mouth”.
The challenge.
His face flickered and for a brief moment I saw some uncertainty beneath that haughty façade. He knew that by rejecting the challenge he was consequently giving up his position of power.
He had to accept.

This was too good to miss, I watched with anticipation as he opened his mouth to accommodate the awkwardly shaped egg beater. This was going to be difficult. Much to my surprise, he managed it. A look of triumph crossed his face as he emitted a muffled cheer. He proceeded to remove the beater.
It wouldn’t budge.
Glee quickly turned to shock, confusion and finally fear as the realisation of what had just occurred hit him. I leant against the bench, arms crossed, chuckling with satisfaction as Mum hurried in to the room to see what all the noise was about.

I had done it. I managed to topple the one person I constantly have to live up to. It may have only been for a small moment in time and space, but the fact I can always say that at one point in my life I had the upper hand is all I need. I conquered the mountain, even if only for a day.

don't believe the hype

Thou shall not steal, Thou shall not commit adultery, Thou shall have no other gods before Me. The bible is the cornerstone of Western society, the basis upon which millions of people live their lives by. An instrumental part of many people’s upbringing it has certainly influenced the development of world history and social order, but is religion held in the same regard as it was in today’s fast-paced, commercial society? Or is it just used as a tool to induce fear into the masses and capitalise on those people who know no better?

The history of the church is long and bloodied. Originally a source of support for the wearied and a home away from home, the church and its doctrines were the heart of the community. Though today’s world is very different, the ideals of the church are much the same. Brian Tamaki describes Destiny Church as a forward-thinking church for ‘the breakthrough generation’. A generation who are pressured to pay at least 10% of their income to the church (though this is called a ‘donation’), a generation that rather than subscribing to scriptures has to subscribe to a V.I.P club to receive the holy word (for a very small price of course, this is God’s word after all). It seems nothing these days, not even heaven itself is exempt from a cover charge.

American Pastor Creflo Dollar wants to change the world. He wants to do away with the immorality in today’s society and return to the spiritual roots we all share. A nice sentiment, but how to do this? Well, you could read his book Restoring Godly Families… fancy a change? Try Spiritual Makeover. Have a visual impairment? No problem, there’s an audio book. Who needs the Bible when you can read Creflo’s 8 Steps To Enlightenment. While you’re at it, make a donation. In 2006, Creflo’s ministries received nearly 70 million U.S dollars in donations. Enough to feed countless starving children in Africa… or enough for a swanky Malibu apartment, private Jet and college education for Pastor Creflo’s five charming children (all the epitome of grace and good breeding, I’m sure).

Belief in religion or a higher power often comes from fear of the unknown. ‘What if heaven exists?’, ‘What if there is a God?’, ‘What if I spend an eternity in hell because I stole a lollipop when I was 5 and didn’t repent?’. While living a moral and upstanding life is all well and good, living in constant fear of offending some higher power is not the way to live your life. Especially if you have more money than sense, and are willing to buy into the Jesus-hype.

Religion is not what it once was. It has changed from being an integral part of the community to being an excuse for people’s motives and judgements. It is not the charitable organisation it once was, it’s a commercialised, money-making scam that prays on the vulnerable, those who have nowhere else to go and those who have no-one to turn to. Religious leaders no longer care about guiding their congregation, all they care about is selling their merchandise and profiting on the misfortunes of the public. As a mass we need to question these self-proclaimed leaders and return to the original written word “for everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world”

why play it safe?

According to a famous Moroccan proverb, “He who has nothing to die for, has nothing to live for”. Society is constantly being told to live a life without regret, to live for the moment, to never look back. Easier said than done, we all seem to embrace these sentiments, yet they are never followed through. We continue to accept situations as they are, to work with what we have rather than fight for what we want. We all know, that in life it is better to err on the side of adventure than play it safe, so why don’t we follow through?

Life is about growth, to be able to emotionally grow and mature is a rite every human-being is entitled to. When you live a life without adventure, you are unlikely to realise your full potential. By constantly playing it safe, you may live a decent life, you may be content to a certain extent, but you will never truly know what you are capable of. When you push the boundaries, ask things people long to hear but are to afraid to ask and always try to live a life that you can look back on without regret of opportunities missed, not only do you continually learn about human nature and the people around you, you also learn a great deal about yourself and your capabilities. It is only through recognising your own strengths and faults, and having the ability to accept and improve on them, that you will be able to blossom into adulthood.

A part of living life on the adventurous side is taking risks. Risk comes from the fear of the undecided and is something that will be avoided at all costs by anyone who wants to play it safe. However, taking risks often bears the greatest rewards. When you plunge head first into something with no idea on what the outcome will be, whether it’s a risky business enterprise or throwing yourself out of an aeroplane, every emotion is magnified. The exhilaration of taking the first step. The happiness in the realisation that you can achieve more than you thought you could. The feeling of fulfilment and pride in the knowledge that instead of following the path set out for you, you took a chance, and it paid off. To take a risk, is to take a chance in life, and in yourself.

High achievers are often the ones that take risks, this is what separates them from ‘ordinary folk’. Virgil wrote over 2,000 years ago that “Fortune sides with him who dares”. Good fortune doesn’t come to us, we are the ones that need to go to it through taking risks and making the most out of the only life we have. By leaving the security net behind, and deciding to face the fears we are constantly trapped behind, you are only strengthening your own inner resolve.

Yes, by living on the adventurous side of life you will be scared. Terrified, even. There will be times where you have no idea what is going to appear around the corner. There will be risk involved, and it will not always pay off. But aren’t all these things what make being a human so unique? We have the choice, and the opportunity to be whoever we want to be and do whatever we want to do. We only live once, so why just feel content? Or mediocre? When you play it safe, follow a plan, don’t occasionally take the gravel road, you will never truly know what it’s like to experience life.

My gap year: A Retrospective

There comes a point in every young persons life where you have to make some decisions about what you're actually going to do with your life. 

Uni? Tech? Work? Travel? Nothing???

The red pill, or the blue pill. The first major crossroads in my life. Who knew such a seemingly straightforward decision could have so many consequences??

I am a planner. I like to know exactly what I'm doing. So when the time came to plan my future I already knew exactly what I was going to do, I was going to go to England. Work in a boarding school and live it up in the school holidays, from Berlin to Budapest I was going to see it all, do it all, and love every minute of it. 

I guess the first slight flaw in my plan was when I didn't get a gap placement. That completely threw me into chaos, and should have alerted me of things to come. However, I wasn't deterred. I mean, how hard is it to get a well-paid job (flexible for traveling of course) in london, right? I mean, I have no experience, but i'm enthusiastic, and that's all that counts.... right??!

Apparently not.

I worked crappy minimum wage jobs, was yelled at by drunk men, made sandwiches for pervy builders, and worked 75 hours a week cleaning other peoples shit and fishing used condoms out of toilets. And I still could barely afford to pay my rent let alone fund travels to far off exotic places. So while my friends were sunning themselves in Morocco and discovering the pyramids of Giza I was stuck in grey old England, dreaming of sunny weather and excitement.

I guess my GAP year was a bit different.  But would I change anything??? No way in hell. It changed me in so many positive ways and all my experiences outweighed the minimal crap I had to go through. Of course there had been times where I've wished that i'd been able to do the 'conventional' gap year i'd planned but doing it this way really made me a better person. I've learnt not to stress the small stuff, I can't control everything and don't want to. Plus, sometimes the most rewarding experiences can come from cock-ups. It also made me you can't rely on others to create your own success -having an aptitude for something doesn't equal automatic success which has given me loads more drive to make something of myself. I want to have a life full of passion and I want to live to work, not work to live.

So now i'm off to Uni, three years of hard slog. I would much rather be traveling but I know I need grab this opportunity while it's still around. I'll be nearly 23 when Uni is done with, plenty of time to travel and immerse myself in other people's cultures.

All i'm focusing on now is getting over the post travel slump!!